Behind this smile

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Today is mothers day, its a rough day every year. I turned 35 yesterday, yay! My dad got me cake and ice cream, gave me some money to get some glasses cause I lost mine. I recently had to move out of my place so we are living with my dad, its been different for sure. I haven't had to stay with him in years cause I've had my own place 2018. I forgot how hard parenting is when you live with your own parents. Anyways I had to get a paper notarized so I stopped by Heart to Heart adoptions which is the agency I placed thru. I updated my address to my dads cause his address will always be consistent. I get a post card for every occasion from the adoptive family. I always open the envelope and look at it for several minutes, look at myself in the mirror, let a tear roll down my cheek, then stuff the emotions to the back of my mind, put the post card in my purse to show the few people I care about in my life when I see them next. I get the same reaction from them each time. "She looks just like you" or "I wonder if she has your attitude" oh and "She's getting big, does it feel like its been (how many) years?" I  agree with them as I hold back the tears each time. I know she has everything she could ever need or want in life, and that is what i wanted her to experience. I made that possible for her, and I feel great about it. 
At the same time, I feel guilty for choosing to parent Natalie, cause I am nothing to brag about. I don't have a career job, I don't own a house, my oldest Alex chose to live with his grandparents on his dads side cause I failed him, and Natalie is stuck with me. As much as I resent my mom for the relationship we have, I am giving the same to Natalie and it hurts. 


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