This is my story thru adoption, and life after...

Today is mothers day, its a rough day every year. I turned 35 yesterday, yay! My dad got me cake and ice cream, gave me some money to get some glasses cause I lost mine. I recently had to move out of my place so we are living with my dad, its been different for sure. I haven't had to stay with him in years cause I've had my own place 2018. I forgot how hard parenting is when you live with your own parents. Anyways I had to get a paper notarized so I stopped by Heart to Heart adoptions which is the agency I placed thru. I updated my address to my dads cause his address will always be consistent. I get a post card for every occasion from the adoptive family. I always open the envelope and look at it for several minutes, look at myself in the mirror, let a tear roll down my cheek, then stuff the emotions to the back of my mind, put the post card in my purse to show the few people I care about in my life when I see them next. I get the same reaction from them each time. "She l

I am strong.  I am determined. I am resilient. I am a mother. I am a good,  friend. I am a daughter. I am worth it. I am Chellsea. I haven't taken the time to put my feelings on paper or into words anywhere since the last time I updated this blog. I have attempted to do so in many notebooks but after three lines I decide my handwritting isnt good enough and flip the page and try again. After wasting about ten pages I quit. Never getting my thoughts or feelings out... I want to say I dont have the time to, but all i have is time.  So much has changed, Alex moved with his dad, permanently. We hardly even talk. I was heartbroken I’m the beginning, that’s all I could think about. How could his dad be absent for so long and then step up to father of the year one Christmas vacation.  I was living my own hell in a relationship with a narcissist asshole, unfortunately my kids felt it too. So consumed with my own mental fucked up situation, it effected Alex the worst.  To be continued… make

So many emotions come with adoption, some I have experienced before, and others I havent. I cant believe it has been three years already. I get post cards every holiday or celebration. I get detailed updates each March. There are times that I have to wait a day or so to open the envelope with the post card inside, other times I quickly open it up just to see your smile.

Hello November... I have had an emotional October. I am so grateful it is behind me. I do not get updates monthly anymore. I can't help but picture your precious face with a big smile. My hands have been full, October was emotional yet busy. Alex turned 8 and Natalie turned 3. I chose to have a medical precedure done on the 22nd that was a hard choice to make. My big girl started preschool on the 28th. With all that happening, my relationship was stressful. I need to take the time to write down my pros and cons, honestly, and make a decision before the damage is beyond my control.

The interview I agreed to do for the Pregnancy Resource Center of Salt Lake City is done. Here it is... I was so nervous... https://youtu.be/SUBaid1lM20

This update was very difficult for me emotionally, more so than the others. Six months ago I made a decision I never thought I could do, I placed you in the arms of the most loving family. The connection I felt with them was one I cant even put into words. I wanted the best for you and I found it in the arms of Andy, Elizabeth, and Henry.  Adoption is a blessing, but an emotional one. The agreement when I signed the reliquishment papers was updates monthly until 6 months old, 9 month, and 1 year. Then 2x a year after that, I chose March (birthday) and October. I'm going to be lost next month around this time. Well you have an important medical precedure coming up soon, I will pray that everything goes well for you baby girl. You will forever be on my mind little one ❤️