Tuesday, June 25, 2019

... day dreaming...

I have been trying to get everything put away at the new place. I have a lot of random junk. Well today is another one of them days... I catch myself day dreaming... Its you Georgie.
I sit here on my bed typing on my computer
hoping that someone else understands..
Last Friday I stopped the mail carrier lady, asking to get my mail out of my mailbox cause I am still waiting for mailbox keys
She fills my arms with random ads, mail, magazines, and etc.
There was alot of stuff for the previous renters.
Well there was one thing that was mine, and that was an update from the agency. Two post cards sealed in an white envelope. Due to that full mail box, the envelope was bent and so was the post cards. It upset me pretty bad. The smallest little things get me in my feelings. Im a work in progress. At the end of the day...
I know I made the best decision out of pure love for everyone involved,
but cause my mind knows I made such a decision...
My heart wont stop wondering!
I imagine the day when you decide to get married,
and have children of your own...
Nobody ever said choosing to place a child for adoption was easy.
The emotions that go thru each person involved are very strong and real.

I am fully aware that I have alot to still process about this whole journey,
My day will come, no doubt about it.
I wont be ashamed at all.
I need to feel these emotions, as they come into my life,
in hope that one day I can tell my story without crying.


I love you Georgina Anne! Not a day goes by that I dont think about you little one, you will forever be on mind. 
Since saying bye to Georgie and the adoptive family, I feel like I have lost a piece of me. I'm unsure of the words to describe it. Well I have been holding them in. I moved into a new apartment on June 10, I had been waiting for the day. I had many memories at my old place, I needed a change. My boyfriend Cassidy and my dad were able to move all our stuff in a few loads. I had spent some time packing up my old place and going thru stuff, and after moving the first load, I began to notice I was hurting, physically. I thought it was from moving. I hadn't been that active in a long while. Well it got bad, high fevers, extreme body aches, couldn't lift or move my right lower leg, and vomiting. I gave it a few days, hoping for improvement. Well I called an urgent care near me to see if they took my insurance and found out I had no health insurance. Something clicked inside me and I knew I needed medical attention, i felt horrible. I assumed it was a kidney infection, and it sure was. My potassium, magnesium, and sodium was very low. I had every test done you can imagine. MRI, CT scan, ultrasound, chest x-ray, EKG, and pelvic exam. Oh and blood drawn every 12 hours, which I hate needles. I am a complete baby when it comes to all that stuff. It was scary knowing I was that sick. The long term effects having low metabolites in the body, including damage to the heart.
I try to be the best mother I can to Alex and Natalie. While making sure I am doing my very best, I forget to take care of myself. If I want to be around to raise them, I need to take care of myself and make sure I am in good health. Well as usual... Life happens

Sunday, June 9, 2019

How could I...

I seen this poem on a website and it has stuck with me since.

How could I feel you kick inside me,
How could I watch my belly grow.
How could I carry you, give you life,
And ever let you go?
Because I love you.

Why, if it hurt me so badly,
Why, if I really do care
Why did I place you with somebody else
If I know I can’t always be there?
Because I love you.

When I see you my love, my soul feels light,
When I miss you my heart is so sad.
When I think of your family I remember again,
Why I gave you your mom and your dad.
Because I love you.

Where will I ever find solace?
Where will I ever find peace?
Where will I ever find strength to go on?
These four little words make the anguish cease,
“Because I love you”.

What if, one day, you ask me, “why?”
What can I ever say
What will help you to understand
That I placed you, but think of you every day?
Because I love you.

Who could give you the life you deserve?
Who, if that person’s not me?
Who could love you as much as I?
The parents I chose for you, it’s easy to see
That they love you.

Your family who loves you,
And my family too,
So many hearts that beat
Just for you!
Your story is perfect,
It’s perfectly flawed.
Your story is special
And always remember, this path I have trod
Is because I love you!

Friday, June 7, 2019

Grief

I'm struggling, I won't deny it.
The words to describe how I feel... 
I feel a bit lost, not sure where I go from here.
My heart hurts, even though I know Elizabeth and Andy can give you a better life than I can, that might be what hurts.
My need to parent is being met, I have two other children. 
It is very difficult to grieve a person who is still very much alive. 
They say out of sight, out of mind... but I can't stop wondering.

Grief will be a part of my life, forever, since placement.
At times it's overwhelming.
Other times it's a dull ache, consistant in the back of my mind.
Grief for the loss of my child.
Grief for what could have been.
Grief for the memories I'm missing out on.
I know it, I feel it.

Tuesday, June 4, 2019

They made it home

Finally home

All my updates are thru the agency...

Well I got a text saying you and your family made it home safely. I'm so happy to hear that. I even got a cute picture of you in your crib. I remember when I went to hold you for the first time, I was crying when we were leaving and I asked Elizabeth if I could come see you every week while u were in Utah. I told her I would be so happy the day they are on the plane headed home to her cute little room, living the life I chose for her to have. Well Elizabeth brought that up Sunday at our last visit. She said it stuck with her the whole time they were here. She will continue to keep me updated about medical stuff cause Georgie still has a lot of stuff going on with her.

Adoption really is amazing. Thank you Heart to Heart for supporting me and holding my hand every step of the way.

Cute little crib
Patti- You made the biggest inpact on my life, I could never thank you enough. When I walked thru Heart to Heart's doors the first time and poured my heart out to you, I didn't know you would be such a big part of my life then. It was so different to have somebody with me at my doctor appointments, with my other two I was always alone. I opened up to u about everything going on in my life, and you listened to me. I know its your job and all but at the end of the day you made a difference in my life aside from being my case worker. Heart to Heart has a system that is absolutely great, it works for us birth moms. Thank you for making a difference not only in my life, but a lot of other peoples lives to. Forever grateful ❤

Sunday, June 2, 2019

The day I said goodbye 👋

Georgina-
#adoptionlove
Today was the day I held you and said goodbye... It was nice to see you out of the hospital, and with your family. Elizabeth spent so much time with you up at the hospital, I know she is going to be the best mom. I'm grateful i got the opportunity to go see you and hold you each week. I got to be with you more time than I thought. My plan was for Alex to go with today so he could finally see your pretty face for the first time and see your family I chose for you take care of you, but he has been congested since Friday and I dont want to risk you getting sick. Since I got to spend more time with Elizabeth, it helped me have comfort just watching her interact with you. And, when she talks about you, her eyes light up. I chose the best of the best for you Georgie, I am interested in what your future will consist of. I made a scrap book for you and gave it to Elizabeth this morning. I included pictures of me growing up, my dad and step mom, alex and natalie. I also gave you a copy of my adoption story, but not so detailed. Oh and I put a few pages of random fun facts about me, in hopes to answer any questions you may have. I will always have you in mind, wondering what it is you are doing. I thank you Georgie, cause without you little one... I wouldn't be the woman I am today.

A moment in my arms, forever in my heart!

Saturday, June 1, 2019

Friday, May 31, 2019

The update I have been praying for...

NICU GRAD
✿ Oh little one...
I got the update just now that I have been praying for baby girl, you are finally out of the hospital. I can only imagine how happy Andy and Elizabeth are to finally get to go home with you. What was supposed to be a 10 day trip here turned into a two month stay. I'm glad I got to see you each week and cuddle with you, I will always
remember how right it felt. One thing I know is that you are in good hands, I couldn't have chose a better family to raise you. They are absolutly perfect. Sunday I get to say goodbye... Tears are already falling down my cheeks thinking about it. You were in my arms for a moment, but you will forever be in my heart. ❤

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

Alex and Natalie

 I parent these two children of mine. Alex is 7 years old. He struggles with ADHD and anxiety. He started some medication to help him pay attention in school. There has been pros and cons, just like everything in life. Natalie is 2 years old. She was born with CMV. We have had some delay in her development due to her ears. She has had tubes put in, Alex is old enough to understand the situation. He asks questions and I answer them honestly.

Medical problems

When I signed the reliquishment papers I wrote that I wanted frequent updates about medical stuff while they were in Utah. Elizabeth was very good about it. Georgie needed surgery to connect her esophagus to her stomach and fix her trachea. They did the surgery and it went well. Since her skin was so saturated due to her being in my belly and not being able to swallow or digest anything, her wound would not heal on its own. They had to do some sort of packing it with skin cells or something, but eventually a week before she got out I was told it had finally closed. Since she was so large when I delivered, the doctor had to help get her shoulders out. So her left shoulder has nerve damage and she cant move it. Elizabeth does some exercises with her helping her move it. They said she could get anywhere from 60-100% movement back with it eventually. Well about a month into her stay up at the NICU they found out their was a leak in her esophagus, which needed another surgery to fix. Well by the time the surgery date came, Rhinovirus had gone around in the NICU so she couldn't get it done. Since she wasn't being able to eat and her esophagus was leaking, they had to put a G tube in. She will get all her feeds thru the G tube for 6-12 months. The adoptive family are amazing people, and I know they will take the best care of Georgie.

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

My parents supported me


My Dad and my step mom Shelley were there for me through out the whole journey. My dad was overwhelmed about it, and he voiced it to me a few times along the way. They went with to see her and hold her, but once was enough for them. I'm thankful for them and I know they are proud of me for being mature enough to not only make the decision, but to follow thru with it. They also agree, I picked an amazing family. Georgie couldn't have better!

Saturday, April 6, 2019

Dinner at Sizzler

Alex, Natalie, and Henry!
Heart to Heart Adoption Agency sets up a dinner usually the night before the birth mom is scheduled for an induction. Since I had Georgie early, we had dinner April 6, 2019. I wanted my dad and Shelley to join us as well. Patti picked up me and the kids, and my parents met us there. It was cute, in the middle of eating my son Alex says, "Hey Mom, they look just like they do in there book." It made us all laugh, It was important to me that they were able to meet my children. They gave Alex and Natalie a book called, "Goodnight Connecticut." Also, a lamb stuffed animal. Georgie has one too and she will include it in the picture updates I get so we have an idea how big she is getting. When I got home, I face planted on my bed crying my eyes out. I had no idea what to expect from this day forward...

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

A gift from Elizabeth


Elizabeth gave me a gift tonight while we were up at the hospital. I opened the little box and it was a gold bow necklace. I opened the card that she gave me with it and it explained the meaning behind the bow. My mom used to put big bows in my hair to when i was younger. I couldn't have chose a better mother for you Georgina. 



When our families became one...

The day our families became one.

Patti picked me up tonight to take me to Primary Children's to visit Georgie. My Dad and Shelley met us up there. Elizabeth, Andy, and Henry were there of course. I was so happy for them to meet my dad and shelley cause they have heard so much about each other thru me. Georgie needs a surgery or two, which will be done soon. Not sure exactly how long she will need to recover once the surgery is done but Andy and Elizabeth will have to stay in Utah until she is discharged from the hospital. I am so grateful I picked such loving parents for you Georgina. 
Me & Elizabeth ✿

Me, My Dad, Shelley.

Monday, April 1, 2019

Signing the relinquishment papers...

I was able to get some much needed rest. I woke up feeling anxious, sad, hurt, scared, happy, but aware of what was going on. Dr. Colby came in at 6:30 am and gave me clearance to go home today. Patti got there first with some breakfast. Shortly after, Bonnie came and it was time. We had to make sure i hadn't taken narcotics within 4 hours of signing, so we had to bypass 20 minutes. The paperwork was very detailed and once you sign, there is no going back. I knew I was making the right decision, and you would have so many more opportunities with these amazing people than I would be able to give you growing up. After signing, I was discharged from the hospital. I went home to get some rest, and be with my family.