Hello November...
I have had an emotional October. I am so grateful it is behind me. I do not get updates monthly anymore. I can't help but picture your precious face with a big smile.
My hands have been full, October was emotional yet busy. Alex turned 8 and Natalie turned 3. I chose to have a medical precedure done on the 22nd that was a hard choice to make. My big girl started preschool on the 28th. With all that happening, my relationship was stressful. I need to take the time to write down my pros and cons, honestly, and make a decision. 

My interview video :)

The interview I agreed to do for the Pregnancy Resource Center of Salt Lake City is done. Here it is... I was so nervous...

6 months... already

This update was very difficult for me emotionally, more so than the others.
Six months ago I made a decision I never thought I could do, I placed you in the arms of the most loving family. The connection I felt with them was one I cant even put into words. I wanted the best for you and I found it in the arms of Andy, Elizabeth, and Henry. 
Adoption is a blessing, but an emotional one. The agreement when I signed the reliquishment papers was updates monthly until 6 months old, 9 month, and 1 year. Then 2x a year after that, I chose March (birthday) and October. I'm going to be lost next month around this time.
Well you have an important medical precedure coming up soon, I will pray that everything goes well for you baby girl. You will forever be on my mind little one ❤️

5 month update

I am blessed to have picked such amazing people to be your parents. Elizabeth puts a lot of time into the updates she sends me. She includes a lot of detail and sure it gets hard at times to read, but I appreciate it very much so. Due to your medical needs, there is a lot of time they spend with you getting the best of the best doctors at Yale to care for you. I am forever thankful to know there is such loving people in the world willing to give so much love. In this update a lot of medical stuff they informed me what is going on with you, I do not know for sure what i can share and what I can't. So August in CT is beautiful, you enjoy adventures to the pool, lake, and the beach. 
This melted my heart, a picture of Henry reading to Georgie. I specifically remember a page in Andy and Elizabeth's profile when i was choosing a family that mentioned the importance of siblings close in age. That page included pictures of both of them with their siblings, Andy having a twin. I knew even more at that moment it was meant to be. I am an only child so I do not know what it is like to have that bond with a sibling. The way little Georgie is looking at her big brother, makes my heart full.
I enjoy hearing Elizabeth tell me how you didn't like your swing last month but love it now. I see how happy you are enjoying life Georgie, reassuring me i did the right thing. I love you little one and i will be praying that everything you have coming up medically goes perfect. 



Georgie in her swing
She is so happy!!
 

Precious little one sleeping

I was able to share my story today

I mentioned that I was asked if I would tell my story in an interview for The Pregnancy Resource Center of Salt Lake City... Well today I did just that. Filming is something I never thought I would get the opportunity to do, but I got a taste of it. Definitly requires patience. When asked the questions for the interview, my mind went blank. I hope it comes together alright.

Im an open book about my journey with Georgie... And if my story helps women who are faced with an unplanned pregnancy know they have options other than abortion. I had two abortions in my past and having to live with that shame is rough. Placing my child for adoption was a blessing the adoptive family have prayed for. It was a long day, goodnight.πŸŒ™⭐πŸ’€

4 month update...

Wow, time goes by so fast. Little Georgina is already 4 months old. I have to say open adoption is absolutely amazing, but definitely pulls your heart strings. The adoptive mother, Elizabeth, puts a lot into each update, and I appreciate all of it. 
 

It melts my heart seeing pictures of your family holding you, and the smile you put on their face.
Georgie, you have so many people who love you. I am excited to see what your future holds.
I love you little one!

I get to share my story...

Back in November 2018 I made an appointment to get a ultrasound done to see how far along I was at the Pregnancy Resource Center of Salt Lake City. That appointment changed my life forever. The nurse, Sara, I will never forget. After leaving the PRC with all the information educating me about all of my options, I realized I wanted to bless a family with the baby that they dream of having. Since that day I have kept in contact with Sara. I recieved an email asking if I am willing to do an interview for the PRC. I get to share my story πŸ˜€

Georgie's 3 month update

I got my first update since the adoptive family went home. 
I am truly blessed to have placed you with such a loving family.
It made me happy to hear how well things are going for you now that your home. 
You have a lot of people who love you.
It was nice to see pictures of you getting to finally meet everyone who was patiently waiting to meet you back home. 
You have already been to the beach and rode on a ferry.
The whole update made me smile.
The biggest thing Elizabeth said that has happened is that you have learned to smile. 
I started crying...
These are the moments that will always bring tears to my eyes...
Not being there to see your 'First time...' 

I feel like i have tried and tried to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the updates... but honestly, is it possible?



... day dreaming...

I have been trying to get everything put away at the new place. I have a lot of random junk. Well today is another one of them days... I catch myself day dreaming... Its you Georgie.
I sit here on my bed typing on my computer
hoping that someone else understands..
Last Friday I stopped the mail carrier lady, asking to get my mail out of my mailbox cause I am still waiting for mailbox keys
She fills my arms with random ads, mail, magazines, and etc.
There was alot of stuff for the previous renters.
Well there was one thing that was mine, and that was an update from the agency. Two post cards sealed in an white envelope. Due to that full mail box, the envelope was bent and so was the post cards. It upset me pretty bad. The smallest little things get me in my feelings. Im a work in progress. At the end of the day...
I know I made the best decision out of pure love for everyone involved,
but cause my mind knows I made such a decision...
My heart wont stop wondering!
I imagine the day when you decide to get married,
and have children of your own...
Nobody ever said choosing to place a child for adoption was easy.
The emotions that go thru each person involved are very strong and real.

I am fully aware that I have alot to still process about this whole journey,
My day will come, no doubt about it.
I wont be ashamed at all.
I need to feel these emotions, as they come into my life,
in hope that one day I can tell my story without crying.


I love you Georgina Anne! Not a day goes by that I dont think about you little one, you will forever be on mind. 

Taking care of myself...

Since saying bye to Georgie and the adoptive family, I feel like I have lost a piece of me. I'm unsure of the words to describe it. Well I have been holding them in. I moved into a new apartment on June 10, I had been waiting for the day. I had many memories at my old place, I needed a change. My boyfriend Cassidy and my dad were able to move all our stuff in a few loads. I had spent some time packing up my old place and going thru stuff, and after moving the first load, I began to notice I was hurting, physically. I thought it was from moving. I hadn't been that active in a long while. Well it got bad, high fevers, extreme body aches, couldn't lift or move my right lower leg, and vomiting. I gave it a few days, hoping for improvement. Well I called an urgent care near me to see if they took my insurance and found out I had no health insurance. Something clicked inside me and I knew I needed medical attention, i felt horrible. I assumed it was a kidney infection, and it sure was. My potassium, magnesium, and sodium was very low. I had every test done you can imagine. MRI, CT scan, ultrasound, chest x-ray, EKG, and pelvic exam. Oh and blood drawn every 12 hours, which I hate needles. I am a complete baby when it comes to all that stuff. It was scary knowing I was that sick. The long term effects having low metabolites in the body, including damage to the heart.
I try to be the best mother I can to Alex and Natalie. While making sure I am doing my very best, I forget to take care of myself. If I want to be around to raise them, I need to take care of myself and make sure I am in good health. Well as usual... Life happens

How could I...

I seen this poem on a website and it has stuck with me since.

How could I feel you kick inside me,
How could I watch my belly grow.
How could I carry you, give you life,
And ever let you go?
Because I love you.

Why, if it hurt me so badly,
Why, if I really do care
Why did I place you with somebody else
If I know I can’t always be there?
Because I love you.

When I see you my love, my soul feels light,
When I miss you my heart is so sad.
When I think of your family I remember again,
Why I gave you your mom and your dad.
Because I love you.

Where will I ever find solace?
Where will I ever find peace?
Where will I ever find strength to go on?
These four little words make the anguish cease,
“Because I love you”.

What if, one day, you ask me, “why?”
What can I ever say
What will help you to understand
That I placed you, but think of you every day?
Because I love you.

Who could give you the life you deserve?
Who, if that person’s not me?
Who could love you as much as I?
The parents I chose for you, it’s easy to see
That they love you.

Your family who loves you,
And my family too,
So many hearts that beat
Just for you!
Your story is perfect,
It’s perfectly flawed.
Your story is special
And always remember, this path I have trod
Is because I love you!

Grief

I'm struggling, I won't deny it.
The words to describe how I feel... 
I feel a bit lost, not sure where I go from here.
My heart hurts, even though I know Elizabeth and Andy can give you a better life than I can, that might be what hurts.
My need to parent is being met, I have two other children. 
It is very difficult to grieve a person who is still very much alive. 
They say out of sight, out of mind... but I can't stop wondering.

Grief will be a part of my life, forever, since placement.
At times it's overwhelming.
Other times it's a dull ache, consistant in the back of my mind.
Grief for the loss of my child.
Grief for what could have been.
Grief for the memories I'm missing out on.
I know it, I feel it.

They made it home

Finally home

All my updates are thru the agency...

Well I got a text saying you and your family made it home safely. I'm so happy to hear that. I even got a cute picture of you in your crib. I remember when I went to hold you for the first time, I was crying when we were leaving and I asked Elizabeth if I could come see you every week while u were in Utah. I told her I would be so happy the day they are on the plane headed home to her cute little room, living the life I chose for her to have. Well Elizabeth brought that up Sunday at our last visit. She said it stuck with her the whole time they were here. She will continue to keep me updated about medical stuff cause Georgie still has a lot of stuff going on with her.

Adoption really is amazing. Thank you Heart to Heart for supporting me and holding my hand every step of the way.

Cute little crib
Patti- You made the biggest inpact on my life, I could never thank you enough. When I walked thru Heart to Heart's doors the first time and poured my heart out to you, I didn't know you would be such a big part of my life then. It was so different to have somebody with me at my doctor appointments, with my other two I was always alone. I opened up to u about everything going on in my life, and you listened to me. I know its your job and all but at the end of the day you made a difference in my life aside from being my case worker. Heart to Heart has a system that is absolutely great, it works for us birth moms. Thank you for making a difference not only in my life, but a lot of other peoples lives to. Forever grateful ❤

The day I said goodbye πŸ‘‹

Georgina-
#adoptionlove
Today was the day I held you and said goodbye... It was nice to see you out of the hospital, and with your family. Elizabeth spent so much time with you up at the hospital, I know she is going to be the best mom. I'm grateful i got the opportunity to go see you and hold you each week. I got to be with you more time than I thought. My plan was for Alex to go with today so he could finally see your pretty face for the first time and see your family I chose for you take care of you, but he has been congested since Friday and I dont want to risk you getting sick. Since I got to spend more time with Elizabeth, it helped me have comfort just watching her interact with you. And, when she talks about you, her eyes light up. I chose the best of the best for you Georgie, I am interested in what your future will consist of. I made a scrap book for you and gave it to Elizabeth this morning. I included pictures of me growing up, my dad and step mom, alex and natalie. I also gave you a copy of my adoption story, but not so detailed. Oh and I put a few pages of random fun facts about me, in hopes to answer any questions you may have. I will always have you in mind, wondering what it is you are doing. I thank you Georgie, cause without you little one... I wouldn't be the woman I am today.

A moment in my arms, forever in my heart!

Hello November... I have had an emotional October. I am so grateful it is behind me. I do not get updates monthly anymore. I can't hel...