This is my story thru adoption, and life after...

Today is mothers day, its a rough day every year. I turned 35 yesterday, yay! My dad got me cake and ice cream, gave me some money to get some glasses cause I lost mine. I recently had to move out of my place so we are living with my dad, its been different for sure. I haven't had to stay with him in years cause I've had my own place 2018. I forgot how hard parenting is when you live with your own parents. Anyways I had to get a paper notarized so I stopped by Heart to Heart adoptions which is the agency I placed thru. I updated my address to my dads cause his address will always be consistent. I get a post card for every occasion from the adoptive family. I always open the envelope and look at it for several minutes, look at myself in the mirror, let a tear roll down my cheek, then stuff the emotions to the back of my mind, put the post card in my purse to show the few people I care about in my life when I see them next. I get the same reaction from them each time. "She l...

I am strong.  I am determined. I am resilient. I am a mother. I am a good,  friend. I am a daughter. I am worth it. I am Chellsea. I haven't taken the time to put my feelings on paper or into words anywhere since the last time I updated this blog. I have attempted to do so in many notebooks but after three lines I decide my handwritting isnt good enough and flip the page and try again. After wasting about ten pages I quit. Never getting my thoughts or feelings out... I want to say I dont have the time to, but all i have is time.  So much has changed, Alex moved with his dad, permanently. We hardly even talk. I was heartbroken I’m the beginning, that’s all I could think about. How could his dad be absent for so long and then step up to father of the year one Christmas vacation.  I was living my own hell in a relationship with a narcissist asshole, unfortunately my kids felt it too. So consumed with my own mental fucked up situation, it effected Alex the worst.  T...

So many emotions come with adoption, some I have experienced before, and others I havent. I cant believe it has been three years already. I get post cards every holiday or celebration. I get detailed updates each March. There are times that I have to wait a day or so to open the envelope with the post card inside, other times I quickly open it up just to see your smile.

Hello November... I have had an emotional October. I am so grateful it is behind me. I do not get updates monthly anymore. I can't help but picture your precious face with a big smile. My hands have been full, October was emotional yet busy. Alex turned 8 and Natalie turned 3. I chose to have a medical precedure done on the 22nd that was a hard choice to make. My big girl started preschool on the 28th. With all that happening, my relationship was stressful. I need to take the time to write down my pros and cons, honestly, and make a decision before the damage is beyond my control.

The interview I agreed to do for the Pregnancy Resource Center of Salt Lake City is done. Here it is... I was so nervous... https://youtu.be/SUBaid1lM20

This update was very difficult for me emotionally, more so than the others. Six months ago I made a decision I never thought I could do, I placed you in the arms of the most loving family. The connection I felt with them was one I cant even put into words. I wanted the best for you and I found it in the arms of Andy, Elizabeth, and Henry.  Adoption is a blessing, but an emotional one. The agreement when I signed the reliquishment papers was updates monthly until 6 months old, 9 month, and 1 year. Then 2x a year after that, I chose March (birthday) and October. I'm going to be lost next month around this time. Well you have an important medical precedure coming up soon, I will pray that everything goes well for you baby girl. You will forever be on my mind little one ❤️

I am blessed to have picked such amazing people to be your parents. Elizabeth puts a lot of time into the updates she sends me. She includes a lot of detail and sure it gets hard at times to read, but I appreciate it very much so. Due to your medical needs, there is a lot of time they spend with you getting the best of the best doctors at Yale to care for you. I am forever thankful to know there is such loving people in the world willing to give so much love. In this update a lot of medical stuff they informed me what is going on with you, I do not know for sure what i can share and what I can't. So August in CT is beautiful, you enjoy adventures to the pool, lake, and the beach.  This melted my heart, a picture of Henry reading to Georgie. I specifically remember a page in Andy and Elizabeth's profile when i was choosing a family that mentioned the importance of siblings close in age. That page included pictures of both of them with their siblings, Andy having a twin. I knew ...