This is my story thru adoption, and life after...

I have been trying to get everything put away at the new place. I have a lot of random junk. Well today is another one of them days... I catch myself day dreaming... Its you Georgie. I sit here on my bed typing on my computer hoping that someone else understands.. Last Friday I stopped the mail carrier lady, asking to get my mail out of my mailbox cause I am still waiting for mailbox keys She fills my arms with random ads, mail, magazines, and etc. There was alot of stuff for the previous renters. Well there was one thing that was mine, and that was an update from the agency. Two post cards sealed in an white envelope. Due to that full mail box, the envelope was bent and so was the post cards. It upset me pretty bad. The smallest little things get me in my feelings. Im a work in progress. At the end of the day... I know I made the best decision out of pure love for everyone involved, but cause my mind knows I made such a decision... My heart wont stop wondering! I imagine the...

Since saying bye to Georgie and the adoptive family, I feel like I have lost a piece of me. I'm unsure of the words to describe it. Well I have been holding them in. I moved into a new apartment on June 10, I had been waiting for the day. I had many memories at my old place, I needed a change. My boyfriend Cassidy and my dad were able to move all our stuff in a few loads. I had spent some time packing up my old place and going thru stuff, and after moving the first load, I began to notice I was hurting, physically. I thought it was from moving. I hadn't been that active in a long while. Well it got bad, high fevers, extreme body aches, couldn't lift or move my right lower leg, and vomiting. I gave it a few days, hoping for improvement. Well I called an urgent care near me to see if they took my insurance and found out I had no health insurance. Something clicked inside me and I knew I needed medical attention, i felt horrible. I assumed it was a kidney infection, and it sur...

I seen this poem on a website and it has stuck with me since. How could I feel you kick inside me, How could I watch my belly grow. How could I carry you, give you life, And ever let you go? Because I love you. Why, if it hurt me so badly, Why, if I really do care Why did I place you with somebody else If I know I can’t always be there? Because I love you. When I see you my love, my soul feels light, When I miss you my heart is so sad. When I think of your family I remember again, Why I gave you your mom and your dad. Because I love you. Where will I ever find solace? Where will I ever find peace? Where will I ever find strength to go on? These four little words make the anguish cease, “Because I love you”. What if, one day, you ask me, “why?” What can I ever say What will help you to understand That I placed you, but think of you every day? Because I love you. Who could give you the life you deserve? Who, if that perso...

I'm struggling, I won't deny it. The words to describe how I feel...  I feel a bit lost, not sure where I go from here. My heart hurts, even though I know Elizabeth and Andy can give you a better life than I can, that might be what hurts. My need to parent is being met, I have two other children.  It is very difficult to grieve a person who is still very much alive.  They say out of sight, out of mind... but I can't stop wondering. Grief will be a part of my life, forever, since placement. At times it's overwhelming. Other times it's a dull ache, consistant in the back of my mind. Grief for the loss of my child. Grief for what could have been. Grief for the memories I'm missing out on. I know it, I feel it.

Finally home All my updates are thru the agency... Well I got a text saying you and your family made it home safely. I'm so happy to hear that. I even got a cute picture of you in your crib. I remember when I went to hold you for the first time, I was crying when we were leaving and I asked Elizabeth if I could come see you every week while u were in Utah. I told her I would be so happy the day they are on the plane headed home to her cute little room, living the life I chose for her to have. Well Elizabeth brought that up Sunday at our last visit. She said it stuck with her the whole time they were here. She will continue to keep me updated about medical stuff cause Georgie still has a lot of stuff going on with her. Adoption really is amazing. Thank you Heart to Heart for supporting me and holding my hand every step of the way. Cute little crib Patti- You made the biggest inpact on my life, I could never thank you enough. When I walked thru Heart to Heart's d...

Georgina- #adoptionlove Today was the day I held you and said goodbye... It was nice to see you out of the hospital, and with your family. Elizabeth spent so much time with you up at the hospital, I know she is going to be the best mom. I'm grateful i got the opportunity to go see you and hold you each week. I got to be with you more time than I thought. My plan was for Alex to go with today so he could finally see your pretty face for the first time and see your family I chose for you take care of you, but he has been congested since Friday and I dont want to risk you getting sick. Since I got to spend more time with Elizabeth, it helped me have comfort just watching her interact with you. And, when she talks about you, her eyes light up. I chose the best of the best for you Georgie, I am interested in what your future will consist of. I made a scrap book for you and gave it to Elizabeth this morning. I included pictures of me growing up, my dad and step mom, alex and natalie...

I will always remember what it felt like to hold you baby girl.