This is my story thru adoption, and life after...

Hello November... I have had an emotional October. I am so grateful it is behind me. I do not get updates monthly anymore. I can't help but picture your precious face with a big smile. My hands have been full, October was emotional yet busy. Alex turned 8 and Natalie turned 3. I chose to have a medical precedure done on the 22nd that was a hard choice to make. My big girl started preschool on the 28th. With all that happening, my relationship was stressful. I need to take the time to write down my pros and cons, honestly, and make a decision before the damage is beyond my control.

The interview I agreed to do for the Pregnancy Resource Center of Salt Lake City is done. Here it is... I was so nervous... https://youtu.be/SUBaid1lM20

This update was very difficult for me emotionally, more so than the others. Six months ago I made a decision I never thought I could do, I placed you in the arms of the most loving family. The connection I felt with them was one I cant even put into words. I wanted the best for you and I found it in the arms of Andy, Elizabeth, and Henry.  Adoption is a blessing, but an emotional one. The agreement when I signed the reliquishment papers was updates monthly until 6 months old, 9 month, and 1 year. Then 2x a year after that, I chose March (birthday) and October. I'm going to be lost next month around this time. Well you have an important medical precedure coming up soon, I will pray that everything goes well for you baby girl. You will forever be on my mind little one ❤️

I am blessed to have picked such amazing people to be your parents. Elizabeth puts a lot of time into the updates she sends me. She includes a lot of detail and sure it gets hard at times to read, but I appreciate it very much so. Due to your medical needs, there is a lot of time they spend with you getting the best of the best doctors at Yale to care for you. I am forever thankful to know there is such loving people in the world willing to give so much love. In this update a lot of medical stuff they informed me what is going on with you, I do not know for sure what i can share and what I can't. So August in CT is beautiful, you enjoy adventures to the pool, lake, and the beach.  This melted my heart, a picture of Henry reading to Georgie. I specifically remember a page in Andy and Elizabeth's profile when i was choosing a family that mentioned the importance of siblings close in age. That page included pictures of both of them with their siblings, Andy having a twin. I knew ...

I mentioned that I was asked if I would tell my story in an interview for The Pregnancy Resource Center of Salt Lake City... Well today I did just that. Filming is something I never thought I would get the opportunity to do, but I got a taste of it. Definitly requires patience. When asked the questions for the interview, my mind went blank. I hope it comes together alright. Im an open book about my journey with Georgie... And if my story helps women who are faced with an unplanned pregnancy know they have options other than abortion. I had two abortions in my past and having to live with that shame is rough. Placing my child for adoption was a blessing the adoptive family have prayed for. It was a long day, goodnight.🌙⭐💤

Wow, time goes by so fast. Little Georgina is already 4 months old. I have to say open adoption is absolutely amazing, but definitely pulls your heart strings. The adoptive mother, Elizabeth, puts a lot into each update, and I appreciate all of it.    It melts my heart seeing pictures of your family holding you, and the smile you put on their face. Georgie, you have so many people who love you. I am excited to see what your future holds. I love you little one!

Back in November 2018 I made an appointment to get a ultrasound done to see how far along I was at the Pregnancy Resource Center of Salt Lake City. That appointment changed my life forever. The nurse, Sara, I will never forget. After leaving the PRC with all the information educating me about all of my options, I realized I wanted to bless a family with the baby that they dream of having. Since that day I have kept in contact with Sara. I recieved an email asking if I am willing to do an interview for the PRC. I get to share my story 😀

I got my first update since the adoptive family went home.  I am truly blessed to have placed you with such a loving family. It made me happy to hear how well things are going for you now that your home.  You have a lot of people who love you. It was nice to see pictures of you getting to finally meet everyone who was patiently waiting to meet you back home.  You have already been to the beach and rode on a ferry. The whole update made me smile. The biggest thing Elizabeth said that has happened is that you have learned to smile.  I started crying... These are the moments that will always bring tears to my eyes... Not being there to see your 'First time...'  I feel like i have tried and tried to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the updates... but honestly, is it possible?

I have been trying to get everything put away at the new place. I have a lot of random junk. Well today is another one of them days... I catch myself day dreaming... Its you Georgie. I sit here on my bed typing on my computer hoping that someone else understands.. Last Friday I stopped the mail carrier lady, asking to get my mail out of my mailbox cause I am still waiting for mailbox keys She fills my arms with random ads, mail, magazines, and etc. There was alot of stuff for the previous renters. Well there was one thing that was mine, and that was an update from the agency. Two post cards sealed in an white envelope. Due to that full mail box, the envelope was bent and so was the post cards. It upset me pretty bad. The smallest little things get me in my feelings. Im a work in progress. At the end of the day... I know I made the best decision out of pure love for everyone involved, but cause my mind knows I made such a decision... My heart wont stop wondering! I imagine the...

Since saying bye to Georgie and the adoptive family, I feel like I have lost a piece of me. I'm unsure of the words to describe it. Well I have been holding them in. I moved into a new apartment on June 10, I had been waiting for the day. I had many memories at my old place, I needed a change. My boyfriend Cassidy and my dad were able to move all our stuff in a few loads. I had spent some time packing up my old place and going thru stuff, and after moving the first load, I began to notice I was hurting, physically. I thought it was from moving. I hadn't been that active in a long while. Well it got bad, high fevers, extreme body aches, couldn't lift or move my right lower leg, and vomiting. I gave it a few days, hoping for improvement. Well I called an urgent care near me to see if they took my insurance and found out I had no health insurance. Something clicked inside me and I knew I needed medical attention, i felt horrible. I assumed it was a kidney infection, and it sur...

I seen this poem on a website and it has stuck with me since. How could I feel you kick inside me, How could I watch my belly grow. How could I carry you, give you life, And ever let you go? Because I love you. Why, if it hurt me so badly, Why, if I really do care Why did I place you with somebody else If I know I can’t always be there? Because I love you. When I see you my love, my soul feels light, When I miss you my heart is so sad. When I think of your family I remember again, Why I gave you your mom and your dad. Because I love you. Where will I ever find solace? Where will I ever find peace? Where will I ever find strength to go on? These four little words make the anguish cease, “Because I love you”. What if, one day, you ask me, “why?” What can I ever say What will help you to understand That I placed you, but think of you every day? Because I love you. Who could give you the life you deserve? Who, if that perso...

I'm struggling, I won't deny it. The words to describe how I feel...  I feel a bit lost, not sure where I go from here. My heart hurts, even though I know Elizabeth and Andy can give you a better life than I can, that might be what hurts. My need to parent is being met, I have two other children.  It is very difficult to grieve a person who is still very much alive.  They say out of sight, out of mind... but I can't stop wondering. Grief will be a part of my life, forever, since placement. At times it's overwhelming. Other times it's a dull ache, consistant in the back of my mind. Grief for the loss of my child. Grief for what could have been. Grief for the memories I'm missing out on. I know it, I feel it.

Finally home All my updates are thru the agency... Well I got a text saying you and your family made it home safely. I'm so happy to hear that. I even got a cute picture of you in your crib. I remember when I went to hold you for the first time, I was crying when we were leaving and I asked Elizabeth if I could come see you every week while u were in Utah. I told her I would be so happy the day they are on the plane headed home to her cute little room, living the life I chose for her to have. Well Elizabeth brought that up Sunday at our last visit. She said it stuck with her the whole time they were here. She will continue to keep me updated about medical stuff cause Georgie still has a lot of stuff going on with her. Adoption really is amazing. Thank you Heart to Heart for supporting me and holding my hand every step of the way. Cute little crib Patti- You made the biggest inpact on my life, I could never thank you enough. When I walked thru Heart to Heart's d...

Georgina- #adoptionlove Today was the day I held you and said goodbye... It was nice to see you out of the hospital, and with your family. Elizabeth spent so much time with you up at the hospital, I know she is going to be the best mom. I'm grateful i got the opportunity to go see you and hold you each week. I got to be with you more time than I thought. My plan was for Alex to go with today so he could finally see your pretty face for the first time and see your family I chose for you take care of you, but he has been congested since Friday and I dont want to risk you getting sick. Since I got to spend more time with Elizabeth, it helped me have comfort just watching her interact with you. And, when she talks about you, her eyes light up. I chose the best of the best for you Georgie, I am interested in what your future will consist of. I made a scrap book for you and gave it to Elizabeth this morning. I included pictures of me growing up, my dad and step mom, alex and natalie...

I will always remember what it felt like to hold you baby girl. 

NICU GRAD ✿ Oh little one... I got the update just now that I have been praying for baby girl, you are finally out of the hospital. I can only imagine how happy Andy and Elizabeth are to finally get to go home with you. What was supposed to be a 10 day trip here turned into a two month stay. I'm glad I got to see you each week and cuddle with you, I will always remember how right it felt. One thing I know is that you are in good hands, I couldn't have chose a better family to raise you. They are absolutly perfect. Sunday I get to say goodbye... Tears are already falling down my cheeks thinking about it. You were in my arms for a moment, but you will forever be in my heart. ❤

 I parent these two children of mine. Alex is 7 years old. He struggles with ADHD and anxiety. He started some medication to help him pay attention in school. There has been pros and cons, just like everything in life. Natalie is 2 years old. She was born with CMV. We have had some delay in her development due to her ears. She has had tubes put in, Alex is old enough to understand the situation. He asks questions and I answer them honestly.

When I signed the reliquishment papers I wrote that I wanted frequent updates about medical stuff while they were in Utah. Elizabeth was very good about it. Georgie needed surgery to connect her esophagus to her stomach and fix her trachea. They did the surgery and it went well. Since her skin was so saturated due to her being in my belly and not being able to swallow or digest anything, her wound would not heal on its own. They had to do some sort of packing it with skin cells or something, but eventually a week before she got out I was told it had finally closed. Since she was so large when I delivered, the doctor had to help get her shoulders out. So her left shoulder has nerve damage and she cant move it. Elizabeth does some exercises with her helping her move it. They said she could get anywhere from 60-100% movement back with it eventually. Well about a month into her stay up at the NICU they found out their was a leak in her esophagus, which needed another surgery to fix. Well b...

My Dad and my step mom Shelley were there for me through out the whole journey. My dad was overwhelmed about it, and he voiced it to me a few times along the way. They went with to see her and hold her, but once was enough for them. I'm thankful for them and I know they are proud of me for being mature enough to not only make the decision, but to follow thru with it. They also agree, I picked an amazing family. Georgie couldn't have better!

Alex, Natalie, and Henry! Heart to Heart Adoption Agency sets up a dinner usually the night before the birth mom is scheduled for an induction. Since I had Georgie early, we had dinner April 6, 2019. I wanted my dad and Shelley to join us as well. Patti picked up me and the kids, and my parents met us there. It was cute, in the middle of eating my son Alex says, "Hey Mom, they look just like they do in there book." It made us all laugh, It was important to me that they were able to meet my children. They gave Alex and Natalie a book called, "Goodnight Connecticut." Also, a lamb stuffed animal. Georgie has one too and she will include it in the picture updates I get so we have an idea how big she is getting. When I got home, I face planted on my bed crying my eyes out. I had no idea what to expect from this day forward...

Elizabeth gave me a gift tonight while we were up at the hospital. I opened the little box and it was a gold bow necklace. I opened the card that she gave me with it and it explained the meaning behind the bow. My mom used to put big bows in my hair to when i was younger. I couldn't have chose a better mother for you Georgina. 

The day our families became one. Patti picked me up tonight to take me to Primary Children's to visit Georgie. My Dad and Shelley met us up there. Elizabeth, Andy, and Henry were there of course. I was so happy for them to meet my dad and shelley cause they have heard so much about each other thru me. Georgie needs a surgery or two, which will be done soon. Not sure exactly how long she will need to recover once the surgery is done but Andy and Elizabeth will have to stay in Utah until she is discharged from the hospital. I am so grateful I picked such loving parents for you Georgina.  Me & Elizabeth ✿ Me, My Dad, Shelley.

I was able to get some much needed rest. I woke up feeling anxious, sad, hurt, scared, happy, but aware of what was going on. Dr. Colby came in at 6:30 am and gave me clearance to go home today. Patti got there first with some breakfast. Shortly after, Bonnie came and it was time. We had to make sure i hadn't taken narcotics within 4 hours of signing, so we had to bypass 20 minutes. The paperwork was very detailed and once you sign, there is no going back. I knew I was making the right decision, and you would have so many more opportunities with these amazing people than I would be able to give you growing up. After signing, I was discharged from the hospital. I went home to get some rest, and be with my family. 

I got a little rest before Patti let me know Elizabeth and Andy were on their way to the hospital. I was so nervous, I was pacing in the hospital room. I was so worried that they would change their mind on going thru with the adoption. I asked Patti if that ever happens and she said its always a possibility but for me not to worry. They didn’t know anything other than you were born.  A few minutes later Elizabeth came in the room, giving both Patti and I hugs. She let us know Andy and Henry were in the waiting room. Then Patti let her know that Georgie had to be medically transported to a different hospital and why. My heart broke seeing the excitement on her face disappear. She said she needed to talk to Andy before making any decisions. We went out to the waiting room where Andy was sitting. Little Henry was asleep in the stroller. We then took a quick walk around the hospital while Patti gave them all the information she had about Georgie and gave them directions to the hospi...

Life flight medical transport It was about 9 o clock the head nurse came in to tell us what was going on with you. She  said you were born with Esophageal Atresia & Tracheoesophageal fistula. When they tried to pass a tube from your mouth to your stomach, it was ending in what formed like a pouch . They informed us about 1 in 4,000 babies are born with it .   I t is  a birth defect , and there was nothing I did that caused i t. They let us know that the life flight  team from P rimary C hildren ’ s  Medical Center  was on their  way to medical transport  you up there.   She said t he y   would bring you by the room so I  could see you. I ate my breakfast while we waited. I called my dad and let him know everything, he said he was already on his way to the hospital. I wanted  Elizabeth and Andy to know . Patti tried calling but wasn’t able to get in touch with them cause they were on the airplane. I was worried about El...

Oh what a night, Thank goodness for sugar free Jello cause that was all I got to eat. I was super ornery and i was  trying to move from one side to the other but couldn ’ t cause my legs were numb.  It was about  5:30 am on March 31, 2019, I felt the need  to go to the bathroom so  I  paged the nurse to help me. She got it set up, but nothing came out. It was almost shift change and I didn't want to still be pregnant when she came back into work today. The sweet nurse did a cervix check, and thank goodness I was at a 10.  This was it, the moment I  had been imagining in my head the last 9  months. The nurse had to page the doctor that was on call to let him know it was time.  Shelley called Patti to let her know. She lives close to the hospital so she made it just in time. At my last ultrasound it was estimated you weighed 8 lbs 15oz, so we knew you were going to be a healthy size. I have two kids, both were 5 lbs at birth so I had no...

I  woke up at 6 am today... bleeding, so  I  called P atti panicking, and she told me to call an ambulance and she would meet me at the hospital. I wasn ’ t sure what was going on, but the blood scared me. I have had two miscarriages when I was younger and I know blood clots are never a good sign while pregnant. When I got to the hospital they checked my cervix, and it  was still closed so  I  wasn ’ t in labor. They wanted to monitor me for several hours to see if I  was going to go into labor on my own. The worst part is, I am starving... and I cant eat anything because there is still a possibility iof needing a c- section. The doctor on call today isn't my doctor, so he wants someone to do another ultrasound so he can see for himself if my placenta is far enough out of the way to deliver. At 6:30 pm March 30th 2019, they made the decision to break my water and begin inducing labor. I cant put into words how much relief I felt after they broke my wa...

Today my ultrasound showed my amniotic fluid has increased a   lot in the past two weeks, but they weren ’ t concerned about it. An estimate weight they gave me today is little one weighing 8 lbs 15 ounces. Dr C olby said there is no way I'm  making it til my induction date, he told me to stop taking the mediation they have me on to stop preterm labor. I'm far enough along that if I  go into labor they wont  stop it. It's depressing, realizing my journey is almost over. I'm really involved with the adoption agency, attending groups, activities, and therapy each week. I've got attached to these women at the adoption agency, it's like they are my family. The support they offer while pregnant  is absolutely  amazing, it's sad to know after placement its going to end.

 I was doing some cleaning in my apartment when I  started feeling contractions this afternoon. They were intense, and it scared me. I had my daughter Natalie at 31 weeks, and I'm  that far along at this time. The contractions were unbearable, so I  called Patti. She took me to the hospital, where I  was monitored for 8 hours. I  was super dehydrated so they started an IV. The contractions wouldn ’ t stop or mellow out, so I  got shots every so often trying to calm the contractions. After the fourth shot and some medication, the contractions mellowed out and I  was able to go home. They had me start taking a medication daily to prevent preterm labor. When we called Elizabeth on the way home, she was happy to hear that i wasn ’ t in pain anymore. She told Patti if i happen to go into labor, even if it is at 3 am to let her know so they can catch the next flight to Utah. 

Yay, I got the news today I no longer have placenta previa. My placenta has pulled itself forward so I can plan for a vaginal delivery. He said if a c-section had to happen it would be because my baby is getting really big. My induction date is set for April 17th, 2019. Both my kids were born early, so I get the feeling you will be to. We called Elizabeth and Andy to update them like we do after each doctor appointment. I asked Elizabeth if they had picked out a name yet, she said they really like the name Georgina and they would call you Georgie. I like it, Georgie is cute. I asked Patti if she would see if they gave me a few middle names to choose from, if I could pick her middle name. It was sweet of Elizabeth to let me do so, but she gave me a few options to pick from, and I chose Anne. Georgina Anne, I like it. Each time we talk reassures me more that I'm making the right choice for all of us involved. She said they were getting your room painted and that she had ordered some ...

I went to the doctors today and the ultrasound measured you bigger than you should be. She also noticed an increase in my amniotic fluid from the last ultrasound. My placenta has moved in the right direction, and is now only partially covering my cerv i x. I was super happy to hear that. Dr Colby stressed the importance of me eating healthy once again. He said to watch my carb ohydrate  intake. The more carbs I  eat, the bigger you will get. If a baby is over 10 pounds, then its a mandatory C section.  After my appointment, I drove to the  office to meet Patti. That ’ s where I chose to do the conference call . Patti mentioned we could just do a three way with them, but I didn't want to be distracted by my kids while talking to them. I asked P atti to do the talking, cause I was  super nervous  and I barley have a voice cause I am sick . We came to the agreement that if I like them and want to be matched with  them to give her a thumbs up during the ...

Today I was given 4 profiles to look at of families waiting to adopt. I have been patiently waiting for this day, its what every birth mom looks forward to. I want you to have a better life than  I  could give you, you deserve it. I want you to have a mommy and daddy who you can count on to tuck you in every night. I want you to wake up in the same bed every day, knowing you are safe. I want you to have endless opportunities all throughout your life. I want you to be able to travel the world.  I know choosing to place my baby was a big decision, but choosing your parents was going to be the biggest decision of my life, trusting complete strangers to raise you. I read each profile from front to back. Each one of them very different from the others.  There was one profile that I couldn't  stop looking at, Elizabeth, Andy, and Henry !  The profile I couldn't stop looking at. The things I specifically listed that I want your family to have, they h...

Today at my doctor appointment  I  had an ultrasound, and was informed  I have placenta previa.  That means my placenta is covering my cervix . Dr. Colby said it is more common than not for it to go away on its own. As your uterus  stretches, it pulls the placenta away from the cerv i x. He suggested I get a ultrasound every two weeks to keep an eye on the placenta. If for any reason my placenta doesn't move, it is required for a c section delivery, and the thought scared me. I don't want to be in the hospital any longer than i have to be after i have the baby.Making the decision to place a baby for adoption  is rough, i can only imagine seeing a baby after placement will be hard too.